Covering Emotions
by Andieke
Summary: My take on the emotions behind the split and the days after. How everyone is dealing with decisions made behind their backs.
1. Chapter 1

**So I know that the this isn't a in the line of the show right now, with the phones and all. But it's been in my head for awhile and really needed to get out. So here it is and let me know what you think. I'm still working on 'Shattered' and hoping to post a new chapter in the coming days.  
**

* * *

She had been well aware of the fact that stake outs were boring. The not so enthusiastic demeanor off the team whenever a stake out presented itself had been telling her all she needed to know about it, but she never expected it to be like this. They had been sitting here for over two hours and besides the radio playing not a word had been said. She never believed that two hours could have possibility gone so slow, but they had, because it felt a whole lot longer than just 120 minutes. She had wanted to speak, talk about pretty much anything but hadn't done so. Mainly because she had no idea what would happen if she talked and somehow the silence told her that she wouldn't like it. She was out of her comfort zone and slightly rethinking the whole 'I wanna be out there in the field' idea. Being paired up with him at first had seemed pretty fun and she had looked forward to it. Out of the three of them he would be the most patient and the one who wouldn't make her feel completely useless if she did something wrong. She never expected him to be the one testing her patience.

She tried to look at him through the corner of her eye but suspected to be not so undercover as she liked it to be. He didn't notice or at least didn't seem to notice. He was good at hiding things, but there was some things that he couldn't hide. Like fading away, every day a bit more and there was nothing to be done about it. Her phone vibrated in her pocket, she had put it on silence when he had glanced at her after the third time it went off. She fished it out and read the message. She tried really heard not to smile at the words, she didn't want to make things even harder for him. He didn't have any text messages, everything that they needed to know had been told over the coms and besides the one he wanted text messages from was miles and miles away. Her eyes focused on the box sitting on the console between the two of them, once holding 12 pieces of pastries, mainly donuts. She had to grant him that, the man knew where to get the best and it included the coffees. Where he believed she would be able to eat 6 of them she had no idea, but then again it could be just an habit. After all she was taking the place of one Kensi Blye, who would have no problem with downing all twelve of them.

'_Deeks can talk your ear off when he wants to, but it's when he goes quiet, that's the moment to start to worry.' _Kensi's voice spoke in her mind. They had gone for one of their girls nights out and the brunette had been fake complaining about Deeks, but she had to grant her one thing. There was nothing more unsettling that a Deeks who didn't utter a single word. Worriedly she realized he hadn't been trying to get information out of her, like trying to find out where Kensi was. He had slowly reverted inwards and pretty much showed up at the work because there was nothing else in his life to do. She couldn't help but feel pity for him, to feel sorry for him to have his life turned upside down like this. It had been tough after the torture but he had been on the right track, but it seemed like he was sliding backwards again, drifting off into the sea now that his anchor had been taken away.

'You've got the stop thinking so loud' he suddenly said and she looked at him. He didn't look at her, just straight ahead, right at the house where their suspect supposedly lived.

'sorry' she silently responded and tried to focus on what was happening outside, not too much it would seem.

'Yeah well, I'm not the most fun person to be with right now'

She couldn't help but look back at him, trying to guess his mood. His words, his tone, the loneliness in it fitted right with his demeanor. Slumped into the driver seat he looked like he was about to give up on everything, if he didn't do so already.

She's pondering what to reply to that, it's not like she can say she didn't notice. Not that he would berate her, but he would call her out on the lie.

' I, mm, ' she started ' if there is anything I can do'  
It's not necessarily what she really wants to say, but it's the more safe route to travel on, at least so she hopes. During that same fake complaint by Kensi, she had also explained the complexity of her partner and how he sometimes reacted differently.

'Yeah well I don't need your pity.' She can hear the anger, mixed with hurt. She's not sure who that anger is directed to, her, the entire world or their little fearless leader back at the mission. Her money is on the last one, and if to go by the rest of the team they all shared that same anger. Something had happened between Deeks and Kensi, things had shifted but to make that decision, to actually put both partners on different halves of the world? She believed Hetty knew what she was doing, but doubt was there and this time the happy ending wasn't that guaranteed.

'I know' she answers softly, 'It's just, I mean, I have no idea what you're going through and I would like to understand so I can be there for you, you know. To help where I can, to…' him turning towards her shuts her up and makes her swallow her next words. His blue eyes seems to pierce right through her and if he wasn't so obviously Kensi's she would be able to fall for them.

He's the picture of a true Californian surfer dude, but one look into those eyes and you realize he's not as laid bad and worry free as his appearance seems to be. There is something broken in them, something that makes you want to reach out and comfort him, to promise him that in the end everything will be just fine and okay. Not that he would believe you, he's seen too much to believe that nonsense.

'Imagine you have everything you ever wanted. That you found that special one, the one you can actually see yourself go gray and old with. Imagine that you're the luckiest person on earth, only for all of that to be taken away from you in heartbeat and no explanation. For all I know she might be dead, lying alone in some cold ditch and I don't even know about it, I don't even had the change to say goodbye.'

She's surprised to hear him talk and at the words. She didn't expect him to say anything , to let her know what's being going on inside his head. The words are also not what she's been expecting and she can't even begin to do as he said. The pain in his voice alone is enough to make her cry and it's like the car turned a few degrees colder. There is no way she can imagine what it feels like but she's dead certain she doesn't want to know. For that her belief in Hetty, her belief that everything will be fine because Hetty said so is too big. But then again it had been Hetty who had send Kensi away and didn't allow Deeks a change at goodbye or the rest an idea of what's going on. For the first time she finds herself doubting her boss's motives and she wonders if the older woman really knows what she has started.

'Mr. Deeks, Miss Jones please return to the Mission. New intel shows he won't be showing up today.'

Credit where credit is due, Deeks didn't even flinch when Hetty's voices comes through the coms, but does as he's being told to do. There is a slight suspicion he meant for Hetty to hear what he had said. They both remain silent throughout the ride home and for once she's grateful of the silence. She's not sure she wants to hear the rest of it.

Back in the Mission, they are side by side as they reached the bullpen. Just as he's about to turn he stopped.

'Nell,' Stopping as wel and turning towards him, it's the first time today he used her real name and she's sure nothing good is going to come from that.

'When you find that special one. Never mention his name around here. There are people here who rather see you broken and alone to let you have any happiness at all.' He says and then turns around.

Of course he has to come face to face to their fearless leader but it seems Deeks is also being fearless today and she's now entirely sure that their conversation here and in the car had been for Hetty's ears. With a very short 'miss Lange' he walks around their boss and disappears towards the gym. She now becomes the fixation of her boss's stare and she tries to bare it like Deeks did just a few seconds ago. It helps by remembering that they are in this position because of Hetty and her trust in a good outcome diminish a little further.

Not much later Hetty leaves for her office and she's not looking into the bullpen. She looks into another set of blue eyes. And while her trust in Hetty is a bit more broken, it seems like Callen is just right there to provide back up.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**A little later then planned, but here's chapter 2**

**Thanks for all the followers, favorites and reviews!**

* * *

**Two**

'Maybe Deeks had been right.'

'Mr. Callen?' she asks as she looks up to him with that same look. The one that feigned ignorance but he knew she knew what he was talking about. He's a tad surprised to find himself irritated by it, it's like she plays them, each and every one of them. It's the shocking realization that in the end they are nothing but some pieces on a chessboard, hers to move wherever she wants to.

'What if he didn't have a shot? What if he was telling the truth? We have all been feeding off Kensi's anger, but what if she was angry at herself for letting herself get caught and just needed some feet to lay the blame? We both know she won't admit to making a mistake.'

'We, even our Mr. Deeks are specially trained agents. It's something we deal with, need to accept as a part of our life. To understand that there is no easy day.' She replies looking over her glasses at him and while he's taller than her, she's actually staring him down.

'But we're also human. We might like to say that we will lay down our life to protect this country but when that moment is there, there is a gigantic gap between theory and reality.'

'Mr. Callen, I never asked to lay down your life…..'

'And yet you punish Deeks for not taking a shot that could have severely harmed or even killed Kensi.'

'And what makes you think I have been punishing Mr. Deeks? This could just be an operation that required Miss Blye's skill set. '

'One no one seems to know about! And I'm pretty sure there are people inside this agency that have Kensi's skill set, it just wouldn't hurt as much by sending them!'

He's getting worked up, a smile voice inside his mind tells him not to, that he can't win it like that from her but he's too angry. Mostly because he realizes that if she did this to Deeks and Kensi, she probably would have done it to him as well. She's a master in chess and it seems like they are nothing but pieces on the board to her.

'Mr. Callen, I can assure you that…' but she doesn't get that far as he cuts her off.

'Then where is Kensi, and why the hell isn't she sitting at her desk right now!'

He's aware of the silence around him, of the people stopping in their tracks but he doesn't care. He's angry and right now his little boss can know that he is and with whom he's angry. Once again she was about to give him answer that meant nothing at all. Yeah she could assure him whatever she wanted but he would know nothing more. He has no illusion whatsoever that she'll tell him what's going on, but at least he's been able to let her know that he's not okay with it, that the entire team is not okay with it.

She remains silent and he's not sure what that is all about. Not that he's used to her yelling back but at least she would have some sort of a reply ready. That sets off another line of thinking and suddenly he's very aware of what's going on here. He's not too happy about it, it means that some things in his life hadn't been an accident, but what's done is done. He just got to make sure it won't happen again.

'Look' he starts, his tone a whole lot softer than before.

'They were awkward with each other, but honestly that's okay with me. If they weren't then it would have meant a lot had been happening right under our noses without us noticing. '

'We can't have awkwardness around here. You need to rely on each other, to be able to know what the other will be doing.' She injects some wisdom in the conversation.

'Yeah, but they were getting there but that case wasn't helping. They would have been awkward with each other anyway. Kensi would have never liked Deeks going in there alone, to somehow make things right. She would have stormed off no matter what and we should be glad she did, Deeks would have been dead if she didn't.  
Besides we know what it's like.'

'We know what is like what?' She asks.

'What it's like to be lonely in this world. We know what it's like to come home alone, to have no one waiting for us. It might be for decisions we now regret, fact, turns of events we didn't have a hand in, decisions that had been made for us. It doesn't matter, the outcome is still the same.' He explains looking her in the eye, oh she knows what he had been talking about.

'Your point being, Mr. Callen?'

'Knowing all that, are we really gonna let Kensi and Deeks suffer through the same?'

* * *

Callen left her alone a while ago, she's already been through an entire pot of tea but the conversation won't leave her alone. Deeks words, combined with the somewhat heated discussion with Callen has left her wondering. She would never deny she had regrets or made mistakes but this one was staring her down in the face and might leave a lot more scars then she had planned on.

Yeah picking Kensi had been made easier after seeing how both partners had been awkward, the realisation that everything had changed by one night. But was it so surprising? That night, that step had been written in the stars, and months if not years in the making. Hell she had been the one encouraging them, pushing them into their thing, somewhat give them her blessing. Could she be angry for them finally taking that step?

It's just that so much had changed since writing that note to Mr. Deeks. His abduction, the torture he had endured and the labored recovery from that. She wasn't even sure he was fully back to himself, but then again she probably didn't help by taking Miss Blye away from him. They had always supported one another and now she had split that up. Things like that could always happen, when she was gone no one would know what would happen to his team, Granger could just well split them up just like that. Only she never expected it to backfire like this. Mr. Deeks wasn't like himself since that evening and is she had to believe Granger, Miss Blye wasn't a happy camper either. Maybe she should have told them the reasons behind it all, the reason why she had to do what she did.

The gigantic problem, she wasn't sure why she did it. Callen was right, there were others who could have easily taken Miss Blye's place and their moving wouldn't have uprooted the team like this. Did she really do it because she couldn't let them be happy if she wasn't either? Asking the question hurt, the fact that she couldn't reply with a definite no cut right through it. She had never been the rock for the younger pair like she had been with Callen. She would like to believe they came to her to ask for advice, but Deeks and Kensi turned to each other to pull them through and yes maybe she had been a bit jealous of that. But was that enough to willingly let them feel the same pain? She could argue that she never interfered in Sam's private life with Michelle, but then again they had been married before he joined NCIS and she wasn't about to interfere in an already established relationship.

So yeah perhaps it had something to do with it, but not everything. Miss Blye was on important mission, a mission to keep their country safe and she wouldn't let people question her decision on that. She took the decisions that needed to be taken and she would continue to do so. But perhaps she could tell them what was going on, to not let everything be hiding in mystery. Kensi Blye was an important part of this team and they deserve to know what's going on.

So she'll have to tell them. But if she wants them to listen, she needs to make peace with one of them. because right now they were closing ranks and they were doing it on her. Only he has the power to break through that. So she abandons her cup of tea on her desks and goes right towards her goal.

* * *

The silence in the gym is being broken by a constant rhythm. A rhythm of gloved fists connecting with the bag. She approaches with caution and stops just inside his line of sight. He keeps on going anyway, not that she suspected anything else.

'Mr. Deeks.' She has to try a few times before he stops and levels his gaze on her. He remains quiet but his eyes tell an entire tale.

'Mr. Deeks. Would you like to come and see me in my office?' she asks and slightly turns away from him.

'Why?' he asks as she has taken some steps away from. She turns again to fully face him.

'Because I owe you an explanation'

* * *

**Hetty maybe a little OOC, but who knows what goes on in her mind/  
Ley me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part three, I hope you like it! If so, let me know!  
Thanks for the support, the reviews,... they really make my day.**

**Ideas for this one come from Justareader07 and bdn2372, so a big thanks to them for giving them to me.**

* * *

When he had heard Callen go off on Hetty he had remained seated, vowing not to get involved. If his partner was stupid enough to go over there and pick a fight with Hetty, well then he was on his own. He might be stupid from time to time, but not that stupid. So he had remained there, at his desk doing paperwork. Even when he believed that Callen was right and that something had to be said to Hetty about it all. And while he might opt to not get into a shouting match with Hetty, he stood firmly on Callen side and was ready to do what needed to be done.

But in the end Callen had only raised his voice somewhat and then had left their boss's office. He had not come back to the bullpen but had gone out, to let off some steam he presumed. Callen was never one to assault the punching bag like he did, and even if he was, it was now being manhandled by Deeks. So he remained on his seat, silently working away on the reports that had been left behind and figured that he wanted to help, he could at least make the paperwork go away.

His decision to remain seated and not getting involved got questioned and thrown overboard when Deeks stormed by his desk, once again on his way to the gym. Only ten minutes ago their liaison officer had taken the opposite route and joined Hetty at her office. No raised voices or anything but Hetty had still managed to rile the detective up and he decided that now was the good time to step into the playing field. If he wanted to salvage what was left off the team, he needed to act right now.

Finding Deeks in the gym, he actually feels sorry for the bag. Deeks is taking whatever he's feeling out on the poor thing and he's suddenly glad it's just a bag of sand.

'You okay' he asks.

'I look okay to you?' okay point taken and not the best way to approach a clearly angry and upset man.

'Afghanistan, they send her to freaking Afghanistan.' No need to ask who 'she' is. There is only one person in the world, and her well being that could have Deeks all riled up about.

'Okay, but I doubt they send her there unarmed or without someone to look out of her. Kensi is a big girl and can take care of herself.'

He says, trying to calm him down. The look he's been given tells another story and he shuts up. like he would accept it if Callen was send to Afghanistan without him to look out for him. Kensi could take care of herself, just as Deeks could but they also looked out for each other. And thanks to Callen being just a lone wolf he knows what it feels like, being left behind. And if it had been Michelle? Well the bag wouldn't have been enough to let go of his anger.

'And all of this just to punish me.'

'Deeks?'

'One of the reason to pick Kensi had been the awkwardness between us. If only we had some time we would have been okay.' The blond haired man says and delivers a rather hard blow to the bag.

He can only hope he taped his hands well enough cause then blow looked like it hurt. He can't deny the awkwardness, they were and Hetty had been right to act on it. But Deeks had a point too, given more than a day and they would have been alright, finding their rhythm again. Where he was concerned it was about time they acted on their thing and if it made them happy, then who was he to judge them?

'Deeks, I'm sure that…' he starts but then gets cut off

'Taking Kensi away but making me stay here, it hurts a hell lot more than sending me back to LAPD. Hell that would have been even more easier than sending her half way across the world. And it certainly wouldn't hurt so much, at least I could still have her.'

He wants to tell the other man that while Hetty works in mysterious ways, she would never do that. But wouldn't she? Kensi was a good agent, even a great agent but there were other agents with the same abilities, that had the same good shot and sending them away wouldn't have had a impact like this. Did Hetty actually decide that Deeks needed some sort of punishment? And for what? The guy had done nothing wrong. Yeah he suffered from PTSD, but had survived some serious torture and seemed to have things back on the road. If anything Deeks deserves some happiness, if there were people who needed punishment it would have been him and his partner. In the end Deeks ended up nearly killed because of them.

'…. And maybe I just need to give her what she wants.' Deeks had clearly been ranting on but it's the last part that snaps him back to reality.

'what?' he asks, not sure he heard it right.

'Maybe I just have to go' Deeks repeats, 'Give her want she wants.'

NO, is the first thing that comes to mind. They need him here, Kensi needs him here whenever she's back from her mission. And while it took a whole lot of time, too much time to be truthful he had finally warmed up the surfer dude that Deeks normally displayed. But now knowing that's just an act and that underneath hides a good man, a man that deserves something good, he wouldn't be able to deal with him leaving. It would disrupt their team even more and he's not sure they would be able to deal.

But then again that's maybe what they need to happen. To let their boss see that actions have consequences and that whatever she intended by this move, it's coming back to hurt them all. And if she really wants Deeks gone, that maybe Deeks has to keep his pride and walk out. Cause if she is, and she's ready to do this to the man, then what the hell was she ready to do next? So he says the words he never believed he would say.

'I'll support you, no matter what you decide. But if you feel you need to go, wait until Kensi's back okay. Don't let her get hurt in getting back at Hetty.'

Deeks, who by then had abandoned the bag and on his way to the showers stops in his tracks and turns to face him. There is a slight nod, a small token that he heard him and understands him. And then he's off to the showers.

He can feel her presence before she even says a word. A neat feat as she's somewhat of a ninja.

'Not the best way of keeping your team together, Mister Hanna' She says as he turns to face her.

He looks at her. He's not sure what he hopes to find, what he wants to read into it. Maybe the answer to all his questions, but mostly the answer to this one question. Is she really punishing Deeks and what for? The way she's looking back tells him he'll not find answers, not unless she believes he needs to know. And while that's been her motto for a while, he suddenly finds himself pretty angry because of it.

'At least, I want what's best for them.' he says before walking away. And if he took the time to look back at his tiny boss, he would find her to be speechless for the second time this day.

* * *

_Somewhere in Afghanistan._

She never imagined it could be so cold out here, but right now she's not feeling up to going inside. She can't get used to the looks they give her, by now they know her mission here and they keep clear of her. Not that she's been the picture of friendless either and makes them want to be around them. Some moments she's okay with that. She doesn't want to be here, she rather be in LA right now. If she calculated right he would be in bed, enjoying some much needed sleep before his alarm clock would remind him it's time to surf. She can't hide the smile when she thinks about him, Deeks, her partner, her confidant, her everything and what he would do when he knows she's cold. Suddenly thankful for that one night, for those memories of his strong arms wrapped around her, keeping her warm.

Of course she could just go inside, because like it or not, she's not cut out to be alone. And while she believed it first that it was her destiny to end up alone, Deeks has slowly but surely changed her mind and showed her that there was another world outside. if only she had been capable of seeing it sooner, or even admit it sooner.

But even if it had taken a lot of time and a forced trip to Afghanistan, she has finally admitted to it, admitted to the fact that Deeks was her everything. But along with the smile is also the feeling of abandonment and this time not because of him. The idea that she had to leave him like that, not a word, nothing , it's hard on her and she's not sure she's strong enough to survive. She can only hope that Hetty told him the truth and that he finds it worth to wait for her. To wait patiently for her return. She's not sure what she will do if he doesn't, if he doesn't wait for her. it's not in his character to do so, but she has no idea what Hetty told him and she's also not sure Hetty would actually tell him the truth. And while her departure had been sudden, it had also been too well prepared for it being a thing of the moment and knowing Hetty almost certainly with a hidden agenda.

Her thoughts are interrupted by a presence walking up to her and she can't hide the sigh escaping her lips. She knows who it is before he sits down next to her, way to close for her liking. CIA agent Sabatino, the one man in the world who can't seem to take a hint.

'You cold?' he asks, probably hoping for a positive answer so he can wrap her in his arms.

But instead of answering she just glares at him. Nothing, just the stupid, overconfident look on his face. She needs something stronger, something that's undeniable even for him. Grabbing one of her knives an idea hits her. It won't be her proudest moment, but hey it might get the message across. And beside she's pretty sure Deeks would be faked shocked if he would be here to witness and that makes her do it. Slowly turning towards him, she uses one of her knives to flip the lapel of his jacket. He swallows nervously, but doesn't back away. Not yet anyway.

'so, you've been telling me that you're not here.' She says, he only nods.

'The same goes for me right, officially I'm not here.'

She continues he simply nods. The cocky grin had left his face when the knife touched him and while he's wearing some layers, it's sharp enough for him to feel the tip of it.

'So if you were to be killed, let's say by a knife between the ribs.' Now he's nervous. 'no one would really know about it right? After all you're not here, so why would the people back home even care? And by the time they do care, whoever did it would be long gone.'

He finally moves and into the direction she wants, away from her. When he's far enough so the knife doesn't touch him anymore, he glares at her.

'You're a sick woman' he says. She only shakes her head.

'No, I'm a woman in love, it's just not with you.'

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**The next installment, this one with a lighter note at the end :)**

**Let me know what you think! I really like to know what you think about it.**

* * *

**Four**

Days slowly crawl by and turn into weeks and then months Although it could very well be years, that's how long it feels and the longer it goes on, the more the silence gets to her. It's like the cold war is being fought again, only this time she's the enemy. Her team has closed its ranks, unfortunately it's against her. It makes for awkward cases and briefings in the OPS room. Sam is the only one who actually gives her some of his attention. She had invented the game but being ignored by two of the three remaining agents, it hurt like hell. Deeks, well the man is proving day in and day out what a good undercover agent he is, because she could have never believed him to be able to hold a grudge for this long. And it stings, that he managed to hide so much from her and she's angry with herself when she catches herself thinking '_If Kensi were here, she would know what to do.'_

But while being ignored by the youngest of the trio hurt, it's nothing against being on the 'no go' list of Callen. Callen, just like Deeks is fiercely loyal and would do everything to help his friends, his little family. She just never believed she wouldn't belong on that list anymore. Callen had taken Deeks' side from the go and was brutally honest about it. He became the constant reminder of how wrong she had been, how she didn't know everything and was now paying a prize for it. And after so long she is ready to declare defeat. If backing down, admitting she was wrong got her team back on the right track and back to talking to her, well it was a small price to pay.

'Hetty?' she looks up from her cup of tea and watches her intelligence analyst approach her desk. With the absence of Kensi, Nell has been more out in the field, together with Deeks. And it's has been showing. Not that Nell was a big chat, but even the red haired woman had shut down on her and only communicated the essentials. Even Eric had become quiet as a mouse and avoiding her, well more than usual.

'How do you feel Miss Jones?' she asks. The other woman looks at her like she has grown an extra head.

'About this all? How do you feel about this all?' she clarifies.

'I, mmm, they are my friends.' Is the somewhat mystic answer.

'I see' she replies.

'I don't think you do.' Nell goes on. 'Cause I like to see my friends happy. '

The unspoken accusation hurts a whole lot more then she's ready to admit, and it's the nail in the coffin. She'll have to fix this somehow and the sooner the better. It's just, at this moment she has no idea. But it seems that after being ignored for so long the Gods have decided to take pity on her.

'I came to inform you that Granger is on the line for you' Nell says and turns away again.

She waits until the analyst is out of hearing range and then picks up the phone.

'This better be good Owen'

* * *

'Mr. Deeks, it seems that I'm in need of a ride and I was wondering if you could help me out?' As he looks up, he looks straight into the eyes of his boss.

'Don't you think that Sam or Callen's cars are better equipped for this?' He asks, he's not sure why she approached him for this job and he's not sure he wants to find out. Being confined in a car, with just Hetty as his company after the recent events? No, he's not really looking forward to that.

'Compared to your old car, most definitely but I figured you wanted to test drive your new set of wheels'

He's not sure what to do next. Knowing Hetty and the cars down at the garage, it's bound to be some fancy new car, one he most certainly wouldn't be able to afford. But there is also the catch, if he accepts that car, if he takes the keys and takes her wherever she needs to be, he's losing his reason to be angry. He can't just keep on ignoring her, keeping on fuming about recent events, but just as easily accept the car from her.

'This is not something to buy your forgiveness, Mr. Deeks. You were due one anyway, but I do hope it could be a start'

It's not until he sees the nod Sam gives him, that he allows himself to raise from his seat. Not that he actually needs the other man's approval but it's good to know that at least Sam is on his side. But as he turns around his desk and catches a glimpse of Callen, he can see he's okay with it too. So maybe they understand what this is about. Yeah he's still angry at her and it will take a bit more than a new car to make that go away, but at least she's willing to end the feud between them and has taken the first step.

And so he follows her into the garage to end up in a silver Aston Martin, not that different to the one he had seen Callen with a few times. He doesn't question her destination or offers to make small talk. It's a step, an important step but in the end it's just one and not everything is forgiven and forgotten.

* * *

She has been awake for a few hours now. She could do with some sleep but it's not coming, her mind is racing, full with questions. Questions she hopes to get an answer to very soon. The second she can feel the plane's wheels touching the ground, she's looking outside. Trying to see something she recognizes or better trying to see if there are people standing there, waiting for her. The airport is one of the private ones outside the bigger city, but it has more buildings around it than she's used to but she can't help the warm feeling running through her as she catches the sun through the window and the more familiar surroundings.

'He's not going to be there. I know this type. They make promises but in the end, the minute you leave them out of your sight and something beautiful walks by they have forgotten about you or the promises they made '

A voice inside the small plane speaks the words and she doesn't hold back on rolling her eyes. The trick with the knife worked, he had left her alone for the rest of the mission but this is still Agent Sabatino they were talking about. She doesn't respond back because his statement has been one of the questions in her mind. She likes to believe she knows her partner, knows what he's made off and what he would do but this is something totally different. She asked him to be patient, to wait for her, but she could have never imagined it to be months and months and frankly who could blame him for not waiting?

'Talking about yourself?' Granger cuts in. She silently thanks him. But it doesn't change the scenery outside the window. The tarmac is empty and while she can't look inside the buildings she's pretty sure they are empty too. Or at least not occupied by those she really wants to see. She tries to tell herself that it's normal, that they, or truthfully he has no idea she's returning today. So how could he even be there?

The plane comes to a standstill and she gets up from her seat. Grabbing her backpack she moves towards the door, looking straight ahead. She doesn't want the rest to see her face, the disappointment on it.

But by the time the door has opened and she's allowed towards the stairs something has changed on the outside. Down a short distance away from the stair is a car parked, a rather fancy one. It's the passenger's side that's facing her and when she starts to descent the stairs, the door opens to reveal her one and only boss, the infamous Hetty. She can't hide a little smile, at least some one is there to welcome her home.

She has only taken two more steps downwards when she notices the driver's side door opening. At first whoever has been driving the car is hidden from view, but when he's upright and facing the plane she only needs one second to realize who exactly is standing just a short distance away from her.

She never believed herself to be this girly, to actually let her emotions and her heart take over. She is Bad Ass Kensi Blye for crying out loud, but the second she knows, she drops her stuff and actually jumps down the last few steps and runs towards him. He only has a second or two to realize what's happening, but he manages to catch her when she literally jumps into his arms.

You really need to lose something, or at least believe you'll for you to realize what you had and come to the realization that maybe you had it all and want it all. And she can only hope she can convey everything she has ever felt about him and still feels about him into that one kiss.

And by his reaction, his catching on rather quickly he's seems to know what she's been telling him. It's only when air becomes a real necessity that she breaks away from him. But she remains where she is, in his arms, arms and legs wrapped firmly around him. When he finally speaks she can only sight with contentment of being home again.

'Welcome home'

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Next one!  
Will be a Kensi and Deeks intertwined, it just made it easier to write it like this.  
I do apologize for the end :)**

Let me know what you think and a gigantic thank you to everyone reviewing and/or liking this story. It just makes me smile:)

* * *

**Five**

She's cold. No matter where she spend the last few months, or the place she has returned to, she's cold and she's pretty sure that no blanket will be able to warm her up. She's picking at the label on the bottle, waiting his return. Monty needing a little comfort break is the reason of her loneliness but she's also fearing the return of the duo. While the afternoon had been blissfully sweet and hot at the same time, the evening has turned into a cold affair. They have been spending it on his couch, having a home cooked dinner and watching some mindless TV. Deeks had gone silent and she hadn't been able to coax more than 10 words out of him. He had been absent, like he was working through things. The way he had actually leaped to get Monty outside, avoiding her eyes had her worried.

It's not that he doesn't love her, she knows that. Beside he had spend the entire afternoon telling and showing her how much he did. But there is something on his mind, something heavy and probably painful. Something small or stupid wouldn't keep him this quiet and pensive.  
If she's honest, all she wants to do is forget about it, ignore it and pretend nothing is going on. But she can't. It's like a big thing between them, keeping him away from her, even when she's back in LA and spend the better part of the afternoon and evening in his arms. But this is Deeks, as much as he loves to talk he can be quiet and stubborn about things and if he doesn't want her to know, she'll not know. And so when she hears the key in the lock, she can only hope he's ready to talk and they can solve whatever that is standing between them.

He can feel her eyes on him the second he's fully inside the door. He puts away Monty's leach and walks towards the kitchen to grab another beer. He knows this is the moment to spill, no matter what he wants or fears. He'll have to tell her and will probably have to hurt her. He can only hope to find the right words, the ones that make her listen and not walk out on him. He can only pray she'll give him that at least.

As he gets back to the living room he opts to sit on the coffee table right in front of her. He can see the worry on her face, but tries to ignore it. He needs it and she deserves this.

'Kensi, I ' he starts, grabbing her hands and taking them in his. ' I love you, more then I'll ever be able to show you but I do okay. I want you to, no, I need you to know that.'

She wants to relax at the warmth his hands give her but his words freeze her heart. Nothing good can come from this, he would never start like that if he wanted to say something that wouldn't change their life, their situation. She wants to pull back her hands, run and hide but he doesn't let go. It's like he has her on some sort of lockdown so the only thing she can do is listen to him.

'One of the reason you were chosen for that mission is me.' He starts, words suddenly finding their way back to him. 'Because of the behavior, the awkwardness Hetty believed it to be better to split us up. Only she decided to send you half way across the globe with no means of communications and making me believe there was no way back. You were gone and that was it. '

Her heart breaks for him and she wants to tell him that is was all a lie, that she came back and if she has a say in it, she's here to stay. Only there is always the Hetty factor and in the end it's the tiny little terror that will decide their fate.

'And I know you can take care of yourself, you proved it in the last months. And you did good over there. I know it may not seem like that all the time, but you really did Kens, you did something good for this world and I'm proud of you. It's just, I can't stand the idea that I was the reason you were put in harm's way and I'll not be the reason Hetty decides to send you once again somewhere harm full or to a place I can't back you up. I'll not, you mean too much to me.'

So here it comes, she thinks as she looks at her hands in his. This is the moment he'll tell her that they better stop doing this, that it's better for them to be apart and in a safe place. She wants to scream and yell at him, tell him that this is wrong, that Hetty has been wrong and that they belong together. But she remains speechless, powerless to defend herself against the fate that's coming.

'So I've been thinking and I think it's better that I go back to LAPD'

Her head snaps up so fast she nearly gives herself a whiplash. She didn't see this one come and it's not happening.

_No, no, no, no, this is not and this will not happen._

'Kens,' he starts and she realize she actually spoke the words.

'No, Deeks, this will not happen. You'll not go back to LAPD. You can't be sitting here, talking about being worried I'm being send to dangerous places and no back up and then go back to LAPD okay. You cannot do that. ' she says suddenly angry. Not at him but at the world, at her boss who put them in this place.

'I'll talk to Hetty, I'll….' She's not sure what she'll do but she will tell Hetty and somehow make her see reason.

'Kens'

'NO Deeks! We'll figure this out okay. No matter what Hetty said or did, no matter what the future brings, we'll figure this out.'

* * *

Waking up in his arms is pretty much heaven on earth. She had only woken up a few minutes ago and she's taking every advantage of him still being asleep. She takes the time to study his features, softened by sleep. She can almost picture the young boy he once was, although by now she knows it wasn't a happy boy. It makes her marvel at the transformation he must have made in his life, starting for a small boy that was the target of at least one of his parents anger to a full grown man who looks at life with a smile plastered on his face.

She knows part of it, a large part of it is a mask. A mask that protects him from the outside, but by now she knows the man behind the mask and is amazed by his strength. He managed to escape it all and he seemingly wants to see the good in people. If even he, if even her partner can't see the positive in the situation they are in, if he's willing to go back to a team that doesn't give a crap about him,… . She's not sure what to make of that, how to deal with that. She'll talk to Hetty, she promised Deeks and she keeps her promises but this is Hetty they are talking about. She's not sure Hetty has ever been in a situation where someone else tells her what to do. If not, yeah well she has no idea what to do about that.

'We'll figure it out Kens' she suddenly hears in her ear and turns to look into his blue eyes.

It's a testament to how well he knows her, how he can seemingly read her mind. And where she had been the one to console him yesterday evening, to promise him that everything well be alright, he takes on the role today and silences the butterflies in her stomach.

He does wake another sort of butterflies and she leans in to silence those.  
It's Monty's scratching on the door that interrupts them. They want to ignore it, but when he starts to whine she takes pity on the dog. Kissing him once last time she rolls away from.

'I'll take Monty for a walk, you go surf' she says as she gets out of bed.

'Really?' he asks from his place between the sheets.

'well' she starts as she makes her way to the bathroom. 'since you'll be at the beach I wouldn't mind some…..'

'donuts from that little shop. Got it' He finishes as he gets up too. Just as she closes the door she catches a glimpse of him muttering _that's my girl._ And can't hide the smile on her face. Despite the situation at work, this part of her life is certainly back on track.

* * *

The happy mood that found them this morning is gone by the time they step inside the mission. It feels like coming home, well a second home but it's also a somewhat painful return.

There are the normal greetings between friends that haven't seen each other for a long time. It's a nice moment filled with laughter and hugs, but the mood suddenly changes as Hetty makes her way into the group.

'I believe your presence is requested up in OPS' she tells the guys and they start to walk away. Deeks lingers a little longer but a look from Hetty and a nod from herself he turns and follows Sam and Callen on the stairs.

'Miss Blye, It's good to see you back here. You did good over there but never the less we're glad you're back with us.' She looks as her boss, trying to find some clue that she's lying or twisting the truth. She can't see any but this is Hetty.

'Something on your mind?' Hetty asks as she seemingly seems to pick up on her mood. Her mouth is suddenly dry, but her resolve only gets stronger. The way Hetty is looking at her, trying to gauge her reactions, or better the lack of them. She has no idea what the other woman is thinking, but she finds herself in a position where she doesn't want to know. She's past caring what her boss wants or thinks. This is her life and her happiness and if she needs to take this step, then so be it.

'yeah, mm, I would like…. ' she starts. It's harder then she believed it to be, but she needs this and can't back down now.

'I would like to inform you that I'm resigning.'

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm so sorry for the hold up but I struggled with the last part of this chapter.  
Anyway, chapter 6 and the start of an explanation. I hope you like it.**

**As always a big thank you for all the reviews and liking of this story. I can't say it enough but it warms me up inside.**

* * *

She's not sure the mission had been this quiet before or that the world has somehow come to a freezing halt. Just glancing beside the dark haired agent sitting in front of her, she can tell that the world is in fact still turning and that most are not aware of what's been going on. But to her, inside her little bubble that is her office it seems like an echo has settle in. Cause all she can hear are the last few words uttered in a soft but strong voice.

'look, I know that this is everything I ever wanted, ever dreamed about and I cannot thank you enough for the chances you gave me. Part of what I am today, is thanks to you Hetty and I'll never forget that. '

She can hear the words, understands the flattery and knows enough of Kensi to understand that they are uttered in truth. This is not some meaningless string of words but never the less they ring in something tragic, something that is about to change.

'But this mission you send me on? It's the same like my dad used to go on when I was little. And while he had been doing good over there, while I was doing something good over there, there is still this part that hurts, that won't settle down with just doing good. '

She wants to tell the other woman that she did good, that she's proud of what has been done and that the world is a safer place because of it. But she holds the words inside, also knowing that right now those words won't mean a thing. Cause she knows what's coming next and Kensi is right, there are things that won't go away by just being told that what you've done is good and that you somehow saved the world.

' I missed out on things, just like my dad did when he was gone. I missed Deeks birthday for a second year in a row, I missed Christmas, New year's eve, valentine's day. But that's not all, I missed day to day action with my team mates, with my partner and no matter what you tell me I won't get those times back. Being out there, not able to contact them or even talk to them it made me realize something. They drive me crazy, well Deeks does, but I don't care. All I know is that I don't want to miss another moment. So I suppose what I'm trying to say here is, that if I have to choose between being a super Special Agent or some ordinary woman but with Deeks on my side? I choose the last part because no matter how much I love this job, in the end it all comes down to this: Deeks is my everything.'

She can hear the words, crystal clear floating from one side of the desk to the other. And if she didn't do it already she would concede the fight right there and then. Because Kensi had listened to her, right before she left for Romania. She had gone out and found that one person to come home to, to have a life beside the secrecy they all live in. Breaking them up had a different outcome then she had expected, she stood to lose not one but two members of her little family. So when she finally finds the courage to speak, she might shock the younger agent. But not herself, after all being able to admit that you're wrong is not a weakness but a strength.

'What if you could have both?'

* * *

She senses his presence long before he's in her line of sight. He's moving slowly towards her, letting her know he's already picking up on her mood and decides to give her some time before entering her personal space.

'Hetty wants to talk to you.' She says as he stops in front of her.

'okay.' He slowly answers but doesn't move an inch from his spot. She can't see his face, with her sitting and him standing, she needs to look straight up and doesn't bother do so. But that doesn't mean she can't guess at the look on his face or why he's isn't moving.

'So why are you still standing here. You should know by now it's better to not keep Hetty waiting.'

'not before I figure out what's up with you. Hetty can wait.'

She can't help but wonder if she ever gets to know him like that, the way he seems to know her. He can't have any idea what the conversation between Hetty and her had been about, he can only rely on what he saw when he approached her and yet he knows something is up. Maybe another reason she's not looking up to him cause sometimes when he's looking at her, really looking, it feels like he can see right through everything. Every wall, every mask or lie she ever put up in her defense, it's like they don't exist when he's looking like that. It's a moment she loves and hates at the same time. She loves how he looks at her, really takes his time and the effort to look at her, to look at the real Kensi Blye and still be around. She hates the part where she feels naked and defenseless and the realization that when it comes to Deeks, there is no hiding what so ever.

'Princess, it's me. You know you can tell me everything right?' he says, well more asks as he finally comes down to her level and sits down next to her. She doesn't fail to notice the closeness, legs and arms touching, barely but they are. It gives her strength but it makes her fears come up as well. it's one thing informing Hetty of her decision, it's different telling Deeks. Especially when he offered only a day before and she had refused it.

'I, this morning, the conversation with Hetty?' she asks, he only nods. 'well, it's like this. I went over there, to Hetty, and I, euh, I informed her of my plan to resign'

The first couple of seconds pass in silence and she can see the flash of anger in his eyes. He keeps his mouth shut and she can see him working through the emotions. She truly shocked him with her news, she can tell by the way he's not capable of hiding his emotions. It's also amazing to see the self control this man has and when he finally speaks it's hard to believe the flash of anger she had seen in him only 30 seconds ago.

'why? I mean, I would…..' he starts, but she silences him with a hand on his face. And while she had been a sucker for a clean shaven face in her younger years, she's now completely attracted to scruff. Well his scruff that is.

'you would never ask and you did not ask. This is all my idea and I believed in it okay. This was my decision cause no matter what this job is not worth it if it means I can't spend time with you.'

He can't help the smile when the meaning behind her words filter through. And while he has no problem saying it, he knows it's a whole lot more difficult for her. So he takes her words for what they are, a veiled expression of love.

But when other words sink in the smile disappears.

'wait, you said you planned on informing her, does that mean that….' He asks

'It means that there is no more plan.' She explains. ' I went in there fully intent on telling her and doing it but then….'

'Hetty got in the way.' He says. 'Well I for one can say I'm glad she did, on this occasion.'

He pulls her close when he says that and they sit there for a couple of minutes. Just enjoying the sunshine and each other.

* * *

'you should go' she speaks after while, waking him up from his daydream.

'what?' he asks.

'You should go! Hetty's waiting for you.'

'oh right' he kisses the top of her head and gets up, reluctantly.

He's almost at the door when he turns and looks at her.

'Just out of curiosity. What would you have done if she had accepted ?'

'You think Monty would benefit from a stay at home mom?' she absolutely loves to see his face light up with the smile. 'And I suppose I could get used to be a trophy wife.'

He looks at her, first with a frown and then there is that smile again when he figures out the meaning behind her words.

'So you figured if you resigned that I would follow you and become a big shot lawyer?'

She doesn't reply, only looks at him trying to gauge his reaction. She doesn't need to wait long for it though.

'you figured correctly.'

**TBC**


End file.
